I have not lost my faith, Losing God is the title of a book I’ve just finished reading.Matt Rogers tells the story of his long wrestling match with doubt and depression. I gained much from his candid expression of his struggle. Having struggled with doubt myself I know it in an extremely personal way.
I have contemplated the existence of God many times. My struggles aren’t as righteous as others. Most doubters look at genocide, especially the holocaust, and weeping turn to wrestle with the idea of a ‘good’ God. Like I said I’m not as righteous, I had no further than myself and my own experiences. To me God seemed so capricious that Christianity seemed to only be a religious cloak for coincidence.
Purpose is a funny word that holds more meaning than it should. I had forged my identity into my purpose and mostly they do come hand in hand, but for me purpose was everything. My direction in life defined me. It’s no wonder I doubted, because trust in human ability will always lead to disappointment.
Matt Rogers began his decline at Urbana (an InterVarsity Missionary conference), I struggled their as well, but I had found a faint direction there. It has since dwindled and I wonder if I meant it at all, or if briefly I glimpsed what I might do in the future. Regardless I was lifted up into heaven those nights at Urbana.
After Urbana, though, I left that path. Now I feel pulled back towards it, but I am so clueless as to what to do next that I am lost for words.
I have left doubt behind me, for now (and hopefully for good), but I’m still wrestling – this time with this idea of purpose. I have been able to part identity and purpose, slightly. Passed doubt I now can find my identity in Christ and my purpose is to further God’s kingdom and bring Him glory. This is not unselfish, for in His glory I find mercy and peace. I have been able to not suffer doubt when faced my material purpose, or at least not as much.
My doubt now rests in my purpose right now. I don’t know where God wants me. I feel drawn to ministry, full time ministry. I loved doing small groups with InterVarsity in college and I really enjoyed my time as a worship leader for the Cathedral. These ministries only show me that what I really want to do in life is to impact people by being God’s messenger – but I’m lost has to how.
Many mentors and friends have told me to become a Priest, I’ve been asked to help a church plant, and I’m currently leading worship at my home church in Greenville – but I’m lost. I feel that the church here is hanging by a thread but I haven’t been faithful to give it fully to God, and I feel if I leave it’ll fall apart. My loyalty makes me want to stay, but I also feel drawn away.
One of my options is seminary. I’ve always been passionate about God, the Church and Christianity. I still belief that knowing what someone believes, what they must accept through faith only, shows more about that person than anything else they say.
All of this to say that I need pray, thoughts, or anything positive you can throw my way, please and thank you.
