Story Idea

If you have a moment read this and let me know what you think:

Jim woke up at 4:30 AM creaking like an old tree in the breeze. He tasted the rancid alcohol on his tongue, left over from another night drowning his sorrows. His wife barely shifted as he pulled up his jeans and got up from the bed. He stumbled off to the kitchen to grab some cereal before he left for work. He tried to be quiet as he passed the children’s bedroom. If he woke them up then he’d catch hell from Ashley, his wife. A second shift nurse was not that angelic when sleep deprived.
Entering the kitchen he slowly stretched his muscles, hardened by daily labor. Jim used to wonder if his life could be different. He had so much going for him in high school. Now, he just did it. The cycle of life just a part of the routine that he found himself grinding out. Like a long distance runner, he just put one foot in front of the other neither remembering the beginning nor seeing the end.
He opened the fridge to grab some milk, but it was sour. He scribbled a note and added it to the collection of tidbits on the fridge door. Then he found a clean bowl and poured out some cereal. Grabbing a spoon he sat down and crunched away at the dry mix. Most days he would just stare at the report cards and family photos on the fridge door, but today his mind kept jumping back to his dream. Last night was the third night in a row of the harrowing nightmare. It wasn’t like any other dream he had before.
He stood on a bank of a river. In the middle was a boat. In the boat was his family. Even though Jim could swim, in his dream he knew it was impossible. There was a storm and waves were crashing against the shore. He told his wife it was stupid to go, but instead of turning and leaving he stood at the shore watching. Suddenly lightening struck behind him. He couldn’t turn. The storm began to grow. The winds whipped his face and the rain beat on his face but he kept staring at his family. Suddenly, a thirty foot wave rose above the small boat and swallowed it whole. Jim realized he was alone. Jim had never felt so alone. His heart ached and he tried to scream. He couldn’t. Then he felt it. He was burning. All his nerves were on fire. He had never felt such pain before, and he still felt the ache of loneliness. Then he fell back and kept falling. The horror of it all overwhelmed him. He never stopped falling and he always woke up then.
He usually shook it off and went back to sleep, but today it haunted him. He remembered the fire, the heat. He remembered the cold wind and rain beating him down. Yet, the most haunting and lasting feeling was the loneliness. He shivered, trying to shake the thought out of his head. He placed the empty bowl in the sink full of dishes and walked into the living room to retrieve a shirt. He picked up his work shirt from the floor and slung it over his shoulder as he retraced his through the bedroom to the bathroom. Five minutes later he was starting is truck and heading to work.
It was the same gray, misty morning he’d seen for the last ten years. The same train tracks and cracked roads, passing dark shapes as the rest of the town was still sleeping. He passed the Baptist church and the Mormon temple then passed the synagogue and the dollar store. His neighbor Johnny had worked at the dollar store ever since the accident at the shop where he and Jim had worked. After the law suit that Johnny didn’t want the shop shut down. Jim found a new job at a different plant, but Johnny with no right hand opened up a dollar store with his settlement money. He went to church everyday, not the Baptist church, the Catholic church on the other side of town. He always said it felt more like heaven when you’re at church with rich people. Jim always said that Johnny may have lost more than his hand in that accident.
Jim passed the gas station and drove the last five miles in peace, only passing a couple lumber trucks. The plant was a large rectangular steel structure were Jim and a few other shop workers helped assemble AC units. They were one of the few American companies left. Oddly enough a lot of the parts they used were foreign. Around the plant were a few strategically planted trees to help keep the energy costs low and so that the plant could use large industrial fans to cool the shop floor, instead of the AC units they assembled. He pulled in and parked in the same spot he had since Tom, the manager he replaced, left to work in sales. Tom was doing well, or had done well. The last Jim had heard of him, Tom had retired early after selling his own company and moving to Florida. Jim could picture Tom playing golf every morning while his wife sipped cool drinks on the beach with the other wives.
Jim felt so distant from that life, that thinking about it again brought back the dream. That feeling of loneliness crept back into his brain and seeped into his heart, turning it cold. He shook it off and climbed out of truck. He slammed the door and a couple birds flew out of the nearest tree. Jim was always the first there, and if it wasn’t for the next ten hour shift after his, he would probably be the last to leave. He had to give a lot to keep the job. When the company downsized he willingly agreed to a ten hour shift. When the company had to cut costs he agreed to less vacation. He had to miss his daughter’s birthday for the last four years, and he even worked Easter Sunday last year. Not that he minded, he didn’t like any church, let alone his brother’s church.
See his brother had done well for himself. He worked through college, where he ‘met’ God and decided to go on a mission trip. When he returned he won grants and scholarships and went to an Episcopal seminary. He had met a beautiful wife and got married. When their father was diagnosed with cancer, Jim’s brother returned home and started a new church. It had done really well. Jim’s brother had a great way of attracting his new rich friends while winning the hearts of his blue collared background. Within the last four years, his church became the largest in the area. They even helped rebuild Johnny’s home when it burned down.
Maybe that’s why he kept having the dream about lightening. Jim was a hero in many people’s eyes because he ran into the burning building to save his friend. Since then though, Jim began to loose his friend. Johnny began to go church more, and kept trying to Jim to go, but Jim would rather drink and sleep in on his one day off a week. The children would go, and sometimes Ashley would go, but Jim always slept in.
He walked slowly toward the door – the same white door that he had seen for the last ten years. The paint was beginning to flake off and the “employee entrance” sign was complete worn off. Jim knew what lay behind the door, but it didn’t help shake the feeling that he was alone. He knew that as soon as he got into the grind and saw his coworkers his feelings would vanish and he could focus on work. He liked his work. He didn’t have to think to much, it all made sense and no one really bothered too much. Every now and then, the plant manager would ask him to change this or that, but Jim made sure everything met the requirements.
He flipped the lights and grabbed his punch card. People told Jim that he must work at the only place that still used punch cards. He didn’t care. Change forced him to think about what was and what will happen. If things don’t change, then Jim didn’t have to think. He walked over to the desk, to look over the numbers and check his messaged. Another cost cutting idea was for the company to post the part projections of the month on a large white board on the wall. Messages were also handwritten. Computers were only given to those with customer contact. Jim didn’t ever speak to customers. So, any messages for Jim were handwritten and placed in his inbox. Like most days, the inbox was empty. The white board showed that the numbers were decreasing slightly; after all not many people used window units anymore.
He walked over to the coffee pot and starting making some as a couple of the guys walked in and punched in. They were laughing at a joke that someone had made outside. They walked over to Jim and all said good morning.
“What’s so funny?” asked Jim.
“Oh nothing really,” said Pete, “Juan here just had his first date last night.”
“How’d it go?” asked Jim. Shane, the plant manager, told Jim he cared to much for his workers and they would see that as a weakness, but Jim had always been kind to his workers – strict but kind.
“Ok,” said Juan blushing.
“Oh come on!” said Pete, “That’s not what you said outside! Our boy went all the way! On the first one too! Lucky little…”
Everyone laughed and Pete and Juan had a quick joke fight around the coffee station, but Juan was eyeing Jim to see what he would say next.
“So, Juan who was the lucky girl?” asked Jim.
Juan blushed and said, “Courtney.”
“Courtney, who?”
“Courtney Jasper,” Juan replied sheepishly.
“I always thought my niece was a little loose and had bad taste,” said Jim.
They all laughed and Pete pounded Juan on the back. They quickly progressed over everyone else’s weekend, but no one ever asked how Jim’s weekend was. That was the rule. They all grabbed a cup of coffee and took their respective places on the line.

Obesity and Bad Diets are Killing America

Please sign this petition to bring fresh foods to our schools! http://www.jamieoliver.com/jfr-beta/petition.php

Learning Irresponsibility vicariously Through my Superiors

yes, I mean it.
I am slowly learning how to ignore the responsibilities of others though they directly influence my life at work. It sucks but I have to learn to let go.

I think this is the same with God, except that we only see His guiding as irresponsible while it actually is working out better for us.

In my work the actions of others have lead us into a precarious situation. I feel that I have done all I can. So, I have let the stress rise to my superiors to deal with the situation, not knowing what that means for the company. In some ways I feel like a failure, that I let my company down; but I have to realize and acknowledge that I have done all that I can to better the situation with the tools and training they have given me.

God does not work this way. God wants to rescue us from our situations because He loves us. These situations are not God made they are man made. God through his love has granted us the power of messing up our lives but has graciously given us His Son to take all the responsibility. This concept is so hard to live out that many in the modern Church have ditched it as impossible and have raised their banners to the tune of society, normality, worldliness so much so that they now look nothing less and nothing more than a carbon copy of the world, only with something to do on Sundays.

We have sinned. We have screwed up our lives.

BUT

God who has given us the freedom to destroy has redeemed our lives and taken upon himself the responsibility of our sins because He loves us.

That's a professor giving himself up for a plagiarizing student.
That's like a cop going to jail for a drug addict.
That's like your parents admitting to stealing the toy and putting it in your pocket.

The difference is that Jesus gave His life. He died an earthly death of agony so that we did not have to part from Him, ever.

Why can't we see the importance of that? We spend so much time loving ourselves and making the most of this life. Why? Cause this life is all there is. So why can't we see this. Well, Jesus is God, right? So, when He 'died' He didn't 'die' He just lost His body.

Not true.

He gave His earthly life for us, yes, but we must realize what that is, what it means. He died in agony on this earth, descending into Hell for us. What is Hell? Well you can define it many ways, but Hell is being parted from true reality. It is the life that many lead. Many of us experience Hell on a daily basis. Many of us create Hell on earth on a daily basis. What can be worse than being separated from God? From being separated from your real purpose? From true and lasting REAL life!

What could be worse, well anything you think of, that is Hell.

Jesus separated Himself from God to descend into Hell (now this is not just a state of mind, the Bible clearly states that there is an afterlife and you are either in eternal denial of God and thus in agony, or you are worshiping God for eternity). I can't go into all of it now, but know this: Jesus died so that your life could not be wasted. Don't waste it worrying about things out of your control. He is not an incompetant boss, He is the creator of the world, we are the creators of misery, agony and hell on earth.

Today I feel like a new person. A new Christian. I feel like the world around is a magical unknown place I have yet to experience.

I have been struggling under this cloud of suffering ever since I decided to go to Seminary (which I am no longer doing).

Yet, in the past three days God has erupted his love into my life, and I'm not fighting it anymore.

But right now, Today, I just experienced an amazing truth. I was watching the Nooma video Breathe. And in it Rob Bell mentions that the word for spirit and breath are the same. The same word. Did God not breath in us through Adam? He sent down his spirit on Pentecost? Could it not be that God sent down his breath, and since we cannot live without breath we live only because God breathed his spirit into us? Some Raabi's (see video) have said that the name of God is unpronouncable because it is the sound of breathing. Do we praise God by saying his name with the breath He gave us?

Our God dwells in us, His Holy Spirit, His Holy Breath. Lord breath in me!

The Saga - PRW

I began with a step. It began with a step in the wrong direction, and now I take a step onto the path. It is deep, deep in my heart on a path not tread und overgrown. The weeds infect and choke and I am dieing.
Deep it goes and deeper still leading in and down; up and out. Until finally you ascend and the breath of life you’ve waited for comes. Where is that breath? It is the cold chill of a fresh morning. When does my dawn come? When will the final darkness end? Can I look into your eyes without these evil shaded glasses and not see the tears flooding my lungs? The flood is choking my skin and feeding the hate. The hate feeds the darkness, I am the darkness. I am the evil I have chosen to become. Where is my resurrection and where is your revenge? Where is death so sweet to end the bitter taste I placed in my bones? Will you feed off my skin? Will you cleanse me?
Let the flood be a baptism. Let the death be life. Let your breath bring fire. Let me burn.
Open up my eyes. If they mirror my soul then the reflection can light this path not tread.
I take the step. No, I cannot walk anymore. I am paralyzed by my evil heart. Here I am, here I am stand, and here I will die.
Move me. Can you move me? Will you move me? Move me.
It began with a step and ended with a fall. Pride never came it was already here. So was the fear. The compensation is the frame of reference for the lonely, lost, and weak. I am lost. I am lonelier than be before.
Lonely is never alone. The lonelier you feel the more you are surrounded by the ones you love that don’t love you. You quiet the voice you should hear by drowning auditory reflections with auditory defecation.
I am the creative auditory defecator. I spout with no steam. The warm liquid is not my own. It is the slow replications of the lost souls finding solace in the darkness. There they curl up, safe and sound, holding onto the vestiges of goodness, slowly dieing – both the souls and mine. The good dies here, wrapped in my quiet fear.
Lost? Are you lost? Are you lost like me? Are you lost? Lost?
Are you lost? Let the souls of the fallen soldiers take yours and let their merit bear you up to heaven, while the evil pulls you down, down, down, down, down, down, down and further down to hell. Hell, where is hell. Is it somewhere between 1st and 2nd Street? Is it somewhere in the Gaza Strip? Jordan? New Orleans? Kreuzberg? Baghdad? Murambi?
Can we rise? Raise ourselves up? Or will we all fight for who goes first? Who is the best in the world? Is it he who has suffered the most? Or he that has received the most? And what did he receive? Is our savior the aborted child or Warren Buffet? Buffet for no one? This is not all you can eat, this is all he can gain and is it ever enough. Does Warren sleep better at night than the old bearded man in the card board house?
Let me scream, let me die, let me feel, let me provide an explanation for the stagnation, let me prove my worth, let me shoot it down, let me drown in my misery, let me lose, let me win, let me go, let me stay, let me be, let me be me, let me be what I think I should be, let me be what I want to be, let me be what I want, let me be what I need, let me be what I crave, let me be a slave, let me be you, let me have a choice, let me let me go away.
Let me get away.
Let me get away from myself.
Let me get where I can be free.
Let me take the step that starts it all.
It started with a step in the darkest of hearts. My heart is dark. It is found in my chest. The ribs start caving in as the crash breaks me free, but this is going the wrong way.
Take the step. Take the jump; feel the air rash passed your face.
Take the plunge, into the fear. The unknown is here. Let me open up to your locked door. Let me let my armor down. Will you let me let me let my armor down? Or won’t you?
Let me give you my armor. John was right the sword is too heavy to bear. Let me give you my sword. You said you wanted it, but not yet. But my time has come and now has gone. And I am weak.
When I rise I fall, and when I fall you raise me up to fight again. The last strength will come, and come again until it’s done.
How will the saga end? When the hero dies it will be someone else’s battle and he will be the side character to their victory.
I am still the hero, my battle is not done; but the time of the black night must end. When will the dawn come? I will end on my knees, willingly or beaten down – but it is hard to give up the offensive stance, and my defensive end. I will take you down and then I will fall. The plunge is near. But when you rise with healing your wings, will I be there? Can I be there now?
Heal my wings and teach me to fly with you.
Let the end be the sunrise as we ascend into the clouds together to reach the heavens. To shed ourselves of the life lost and left behind - the life that dragged me down. The life I lead myself down to.
But it was a step. A step that started it all, on an overgrown path; it was the path of least traversing. I want to travel down that path. Where does it lead? Where is the fantasy now? I want the suspension of belief. Where is the magic trick? We all want to believe in something more, but we all want to live free. Free of the consequence of it all. The consequence of true freedom; freedom from ourselves and freedom to live our lives the way that we should; it the way we truly need to live but we won’t. Cut the branches that tie you down, cut the vines that choke your throat; let the breath of life come in and shed the light on your lungs that the blood you pump is free and clear. It is now clean to go about your body and cleanse. Let it burn you clean. Let it take your soul and purify it like gold in fire. You are golden. You will shine like stars in the sky. You are stars in the sky. You are seated in heaven. You are seated in heavenly placed. You are seated on high. You are free. You are free to fly. You are free to live and free to die. His love sets you free. His love sets you free. His love sets you free.
The saga never ends. It goes and goes. It boils in your blood, until you are running kike the flood you are running. You are running. You are running free again. You are the brook running over the mountain. You are running free. You are running free again. Breathe in the cold morning air. You are free and clear to fly.
Spread your wings and fly. Go land in his wings. Nestle in his arms. Sleep in his hand. Hold him in your heart and he will encompass you.
Suspend your belief. Suspend your reasons.
The sage never ends. The sage never ends. The sage never ends.

December 5, 2009

So now what?

So many things have changed over this summer.

As I sit here and think about it...wow. Oh my gosh! Who would have thought?

I mean after this financial crash (melodramatic I know) that happened my senior year I was completely resigned to never ever finding a good job. I even thought about a career change. I was completely lost in limbo. I had my old ideas of a future and new ones in the other. The new ones I tried, I tried so hard to figure out if they were right. If some how being a piano mover and table busser was a good idea. But lets be honest for a second. I was sitting at home in 'secure' jobs not being challenged I was buying into the adolescence of the world around me. I was running from responsibility. I was lost in my ideas of the future. I was lost in a fog.

Then out of the blue an offer hit the empty table and I jumped, not with reluctance, at it. I actually sat there and weighed it. which is bad on one hand that I had lost sight of life so much that I had to think about starting a career.

But

It was very good that I actually prayed about it, discussed it with my girlfriend (who is now my fiance and soon (in July) will be my wife - yay!). I actually took the time to think about how this will influence others and my faith.

Too bad that it has affected my faith, and so far its all been bad. I've disconnected and alone from community. But then again I haven't sought out any to be honest. I haven't tried to connect with my old college buddies, granted they're still in college and I've moved on - different view on life. And I haven't actively pursued old friends that are out of college either. In a lot of ways I have no friends that I hang out with outside of church or work other than my fiance. Outside of work I'm stagnant on every possible level, and have no idea what to do. This is why people in America are workaholics.

well, this was me trying to catch up my blog and thoughts but I'm not feeling so wonderful so now I'm going to take medicine and try to sleep. maybe I'll read a little.

Maybe I should cook and write a blog about that. Wouldn't that be nice?

Losing God and Finding Purpose:

I have not lost my faith, Losing God is the title of a book I’ve just finished reading.

Matt Rogers tells the story of his long wrestling match with doubt and depression. I gained much from his candid expression of his struggle. Having struggled with doubt myself I know it in an extremely personal way.

I have contemplated the existence of God many times. My struggles aren’t as righteous as others. Most doubters look at genocide, especially the holocaust, and weeping turn to wrestle with the idea of a ‘good’ God. Like I said I’m not as righteous, I had no further than myself and my own experiences. To me God seemed so capricious that Christianity seemed to only be a religious cloak for coincidence.

Purpose is a funny word that holds more meaning than it should. I had forged my identity into my purpose and mostly they do come hand in hand, but for me purpose was everything. My direction in life defined me. It’s no wonder I doubted, because trust in human ability will always lead to disappointment.

Matt Rogers began his decline at Urbana (an InterVarsity Missionary conference), I struggled their as well, but I had found a faint direction there. It has since dwindled and I wonder if I meant it at all, or if briefly I glimpsed what I might do in the future. Regardless I was lifted up into heaven those nights at Urbana.

After Urbana, though, I left that path. Now I feel pulled back towards it, but I am so clueless as to what to do next that I am lost for words.

I have left doubt behind me, for now (and hopefully for good), but I’m still wrestling – this time with this idea of purpose. I have been able to part identity and purpose, slightly. Passed doubt I now can find my identity in Christ and my purpose is to further God’s kingdom and bring Him glory. This is not unselfish, for in His glory I find mercy and peace. I have been able to not suffer doubt when faced my material purpose, or at least not as much.

My doubt now rests in my purpose right now. I don’t know where God wants me. I feel drawn to ministry, full time ministry. I loved doing small groups with InterVarsity in college and I really enjoyed my time as a worship leader for the Cathedral. These ministries only show me that what I really want to do in life is to impact people by being God’s messenger – but I’m lost has to how.

Many mentors and friends have told me to become a Priest, I’ve been asked to help a church plant, and I’m currently leading worship at my home church in Greenville – but I’m lost. I feel that the church here is hanging by a thread but I haven’t been faithful to give it fully to God, and I feel if I leave it’ll fall apart. My loyalty makes me want to stay, but I also feel drawn away.

One of my options is seminary. I’ve always been passionate about God, the Church and Christianity. I still belief that knowing what someone believes, what they must accept through faith only, shows more about that person than anything else they say.

All of this to say that I need pray, thoughts, or anything positive you can throw my way, please and thank you.