Oh, Love of my life where have you gone,
Is this over like every favorite song
Sung by the voice over the radio
The notes follow wherever you go
But where am I when you’ve left me
My eyes are straining against the sea
The waves are crashing against my brain
My head is pounding, my heart is insane
The four walls are dragging me down
I can’t stand up when you’re not around
I’ve looked high and I’ve searched low
But I’m not sure if that is how I’ll show
That I wish you were still here somehow
I’ve lost sight of you and can’t hear now
The waves crashing inside and around my brain
The silence drags on and is slowly turning me insane
I see the shape but where is the life
Is it all sitting on the edge of the knife?
They look so pretty as they sit in a row
They stand facing handle up against the foe
But is it hidden in the rows of steel
I wonder this; I wander is it ever real
Like the waves crashing down on my brain
Slowly growing, the tide ebbs to make me insane
Let’s hear the refrain
Echoing into our pain
The waves are crashing and destroying my brain
When will you, like me, begin to be driven insane?
The waves are crashing and eroding my soul
Can we cross this; we divide to take on the role
Of the waves crashing in someone else’s brain
Until we are all slowly driven completely insane
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
The peace of prayer
Prayer really helps. After everything I've gone through just today, I know that God is with me.
Today, I actually broke down. Hard for a guy to admit.
I got a call from a job that was positive. I'm in the running, and hopefully will hear in the next few weeks.
I finished the impromptu performance review, thanks to the Lord's help, in flying colors. I now have secured my job here at least for a little bit longer, so that I can focus on getting a new job without unemployment hanging over me.
phew... grace is amazing, God is good, and I can't wait to go home. Monday's are always better after work is done.
Today, I actually broke down. Hard for a guy to admit.
I got a call from a job that was positive. I'm in the running, and hopefully will hear in the next few weeks.
I finished the impromptu performance review, thanks to the Lord's help, in flying colors. I now have secured my job here at least for a little bit longer, so that I can focus on getting a new job without unemployment hanging over me.
phew... grace is amazing, God is good, and I can't wait to go home. Monday's are always better after work is done.
Crying, really this sucks
As a man it is very hard to admit to breaking down and crying. Well, that is what I did. On the phone with my wife, balling my eyes out in the cold database room that's really just a small closet. Yes, this sucks.
A couple months ago, I read Crazy Love. I prayed that God would help me live a life of faith. Today I am going to put that into practice.
God, I faith in you that whatever happens you will be there. That whatever I say that it will be truth and that you will be there. Lord, if I am rejected that you would be there. Lord, if my words are accept please be there. Lord, as I sit here wondering what to say please be here. As I drive home later you will be there. Lord, as my wife nannies you are there. Lord, let your grace shine upon, let me know your presence as intimately as my own skin, and let me know that you are here and with my always. I love you.
A couple months ago, I read Crazy Love. I prayed that God would help me live a life of faith. Today I am going to put that into practice.
God, I faith in you that whatever happens you will be there. That whatever I say that it will be truth and that you will be there. Lord, if I am rejected that you would be there. Lord, if my words are accept please be there. Lord, as I sit here wondering what to say please be here. As I drive home later you will be there. Lord, as my wife nannies you are there. Lord, let your grace shine upon, let me know your presence as intimately as my own skin, and let me know that you are here and with my always. I love you.
Struggles of Business Integrity
Do you take the blame or give it? When you boil it down to this question I think it becomes easier. We are called to be like Christ. As business people this looks like career suicide.
Try this question:
Do I stand up to my superior's or do I take the blame for their errors and those of others?
This is hard. Christ did. He took our sin. I am learning what it feels like to take on the mistakes of others. I would never say that I can ever attain to be like Christ, but I think God may be giving me a taste of what His son went through. Though the scale is like a grain of sand versus the galaxy, I have recently had to endure the blame for mistakes, the bad work ethic, and ignorance of my superiors and co-workers. I really believe that my coworkers have made an Olympian sport of blame deflection. This is not for the Christ follower, we should take responsibility for our actions; but what about taking the responsibilities for others?
I'm really struggling with this. I want to uphold my integrity, but is my pride getting in the way? Should I lay down my identity of integrity and take the blame for all of it? Can I handle that? Does integrity include this virtue? Is this what Christ meant by turning the other cheek? Is this what we are called to as Christians in the business world, to sacrifice success for...but what am I sacrificing for? To take another hit on the cheek? How many cheek lashing must I endure? Do I abandon aggressive business behavior to the detriment of supporting my family? Do I become the office scapegoat? And in the end what...? What will happen? Is Christ exalted? Is God glorified?
I know I shouldn't look to earthly and material things to gauge the success of the kingdom, but how do you mark the success of the kingdom in a business? Is it better to attain praise to receive responsibility with which change can be instigated? Or do I remain downtrodden, abused, cheeks red with continued blows? I'm not looking for an escape route, but at what point do I obey the command to care for my family and the understanding of being open to persecution? Or is there a distinction between spiritual and personal persecution? What I mean is do I let myself be killed for the kingdom? or (like this case) try and shift the blame to its appropriate place to assuage myself of the guilt and blame currently leveled at me? or am I to let go of the individual and personal in favor of the kingdom using personal persecutions as tests and trials that in the end will strip me of my selfishness in order to receive the serenity of Christ?
To be honest that sounds more like a Buddhist teaching than the love of Christ.
I guess then I should be asking, am I even in the right place. Should I abandon this materialistic lifestyle in favor of purely following Christ as I seek to save the lost? Should I sell all I own and enter into a missionary life in some deep dark jungle?
Or: Is this persecution the part and parcel struggle to be expected as a Christian in the work world?
Try this question:
Do I stand up to my superior's or do I take the blame for their errors and those of others?
This is hard. Christ did. He took our sin. I am learning what it feels like to take on the mistakes of others. I would never say that I can ever attain to be like Christ, but I think God may be giving me a taste of what His son went through. Though the scale is like a grain of sand versus the galaxy, I have recently had to endure the blame for mistakes, the bad work ethic, and ignorance of my superiors and co-workers. I really believe that my coworkers have made an Olympian sport of blame deflection. This is not for the Christ follower, we should take responsibility for our actions; but what about taking the responsibilities for others?
I'm really struggling with this. I want to uphold my integrity, but is my pride getting in the way? Should I lay down my identity of integrity and take the blame for all of it? Can I handle that? Does integrity include this virtue? Is this what Christ meant by turning the other cheek? Is this what we are called to as Christians in the business world, to sacrifice success for...but what am I sacrificing for? To take another hit on the cheek? How many cheek lashing must I endure? Do I abandon aggressive business behavior to the detriment of supporting my family? Do I become the office scapegoat? And in the end what...? What will happen? Is Christ exalted? Is God glorified?
I know I shouldn't look to earthly and material things to gauge the success of the kingdom, but how do you mark the success of the kingdom in a business? Is it better to attain praise to receive responsibility with which change can be instigated? Or do I remain downtrodden, abused, cheeks red with continued blows? I'm not looking for an escape route, but at what point do I obey the command to care for my family and the understanding of being open to persecution? Or is there a distinction between spiritual and personal persecution? What I mean is do I let myself be killed for the kingdom? or (like this case) try and shift the blame to its appropriate place to assuage myself of the guilt and blame currently leveled at me? or am I to let go of the individual and personal in favor of the kingdom using personal persecutions as tests and trials that in the end will strip me of my selfishness in order to receive the serenity of Christ?
To be honest that sounds more like a Buddhist teaching than the love of Christ.
I guess then I should be asking, am I even in the right place. Should I abandon this materialistic lifestyle in favor of purely following Christ as I seek to save the lost? Should I sell all I own and enter into a missionary life in some deep dark jungle?
Or: Is this persecution the part and parcel struggle to be expected as a Christian in the work world?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Where does your strength lie?
I feel him standing over me, not oppressively, but because I'm laying broken on the floor my heart in tatters poisoning my mind. He's asking, "Where does your strength lie?"
My strength has been lying to me a lot lately, its been absent. I've run to safe havens, vulnerable and exposed to be rebuffed. I feel like my heart is exposed, my rib cage torn open, and their words are nothing but cold, icy, salty wind cutting deeper. I'm destroyed by this. So, I cover the exposure. I out armor over it. A thick breast plate covers the hole. I take up a large, thick shield to thwart any attack.
I'm on the floor crying. He's standing. He's asking. He's wanting an answer. So, am I.
I've fought to long, he says. I'm not alone, I never was. I open my eyes. The light floods in. A cleansing, healing light. Tears of sorrow turn to joy and run like rivers down a mountain.
"I'll put my strength in you. I will follow you. Fight before me, and I will be safe."
My strength has been lying to me a lot lately, its been absent. I've run to safe havens, vulnerable and exposed to be rebuffed. I feel like my heart is exposed, my rib cage torn open, and their words are nothing but cold, icy, salty wind cutting deeper. I'm destroyed by this. So, I cover the exposure. I out armor over it. A thick breast plate covers the hole. I take up a large, thick shield to thwart any attack.
I'm on the floor crying. He's standing. He's asking. He's wanting an answer. So, am I.
I've fought to long, he says. I'm not alone, I never was. I open my eyes. The light floods in. A cleansing, healing light. Tears of sorrow turn to joy and run like rivers down a mountain.
"I'll put my strength in you. I will follow you. Fight before me, and I will be safe."
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Nerves
So, this week has been ridiculous.
That's probably the best way to sum it up. I had to put my Jeep to pasture and buy an awesome Subaru. It is bittersweet. I've wanted a Subaru for a while now, but leaving the Jeep after 3 years was more heart wrenching than I thought. First hump of the roller-coaster.
The next hump is this do-or-die interview I have today at 2. After 4 interviews, one with the recruiter and two with what will be my new supervisor if I get the job, it all comes down to this. After this one interview I either have or do not have the job. At least that is what they have led me to believe. Maybe this should have been the first because this feels like a straight drop down, as far as nerves go. I am trying to let my faith take over and rely solely on God. Though my faith has grown in this process, I am so nervous. I think its because this is my ticket out of a bad job. Maybe I'm putting too much on this job.
It doesn't help that work has been horrible. Maybe its that my escape is so close that everything seems worse, maybe it's my coworker going on vacation and leaving so much work unfinished and not telling me about it but I still need to do it, maybe it's my boss continually dropping bombs on me because he doesn't trust the employee who is now on vacation in Australia and I have to do all her work, maybe it's the CFO who never answers my emails when I ask him what I need to do then months done the line telling me to fix the mistakes that would have been made had he answered his emails, maybe it's the fact that owner completely ignores the fact that the plant here needs money instead telling me to send tens of thousands of dollars to start up another plant (I feel like I need to add this: we are an outsource machining company, the plant here has one con tract that ends very soon, the owner wants to expand in the north, we are barely making it already and now we have to support the expansion without any vision for when the contract runs out in the next few months, awesome), or maybe it's the fact that despite having only roughly 2 hours worth of work everyday I have to stay here to satisfy my boss and my bank account.
The problem with this roller-coaster is that there is no line. So, instead of stopping, safety bars rising taking with them my tension and filling me with relief, I am still riding. The operators smile manically ever time I go by and they just push the green button with a malicious grin. My stomach has risen and fallen so many times I'm not sure where it is anymore, my body is bruised from the jerking about, and I've run out of energy to sustain the emotions. My limp body is being thrown about willynilly until this ends...awesome.
That's probably the best way to sum it up. I had to put my Jeep to pasture and buy an awesome Subaru. It is bittersweet. I've wanted a Subaru for a while now, but leaving the Jeep after 3 years was more heart wrenching than I thought. First hump of the roller-coaster.
The next hump is this do-or-die interview I have today at 2. After 4 interviews, one with the recruiter and two with what will be my new supervisor if I get the job, it all comes down to this. After this one interview I either have or do not have the job. At least that is what they have led me to believe. Maybe this should have been the first because this feels like a straight drop down, as far as nerves go. I am trying to let my faith take over and rely solely on God. Though my faith has grown in this process, I am so nervous. I think its because this is my ticket out of a bad job. Maybe I'm putting too much on this job.
It doesn't help that work has been horrible. Maybe its that my escape is so close that everything seems worse, maybe it's my coworker going on vacation and leaving so much work unfinished and not telling me about it but I still need to do it, maybe it's my boss continually dropping bombs on me because he doesn't trust the employee who is now on vacation in Australia and I have to do all her work, maybe it's the CFO who never answers my emails when I ask him what I need to do then months done the line telling me to fix the mistakes that would have been made had he answered his emails, maybe it's the fact that owner completely ignores the fact that the plant here needs money instead telling me to send tens of thousands of dollars to start up another plant (I feel like I need to add this: we are an outsource machining company, the plant here has one con tract that ends very soon, the owner wants to expand in the north, we are barely making it already and now we have to support the expansion without any vision for when the contract runs out in the next few months, awesome), or maybe it's the fact that despite having only roughly 2 hours worth of work everyday I have to stay here to satisfy my boss and my bank account.
The problem with this roller-coaster is that there is no line. So, instead of stopping, safety bars rising taking with them my tension and filling me with relief, I am still riding. The operators smile manically ever time I go by and they just push the green button with a malicious grin. My stomach has risen and fallen so many times I'm not sure where it is anymore, my body is bruised from the jerking about, and I've run out of energy to sustain the emotions. My limp body is being thrown about willynilly until this ends...awesome.
Monday, August 2, 2010
and it continues
So, I thought that my terrible morning would be the start to one of those wonderful days where you've already hit rock bottom and then everything gets better. Nope. Now I'm getting dragged across the rock bottom to make sure that my face is rubbed deeply enough in it that I never forget this day. Awesome.
the day with the name
Today sucks.
It was one of those mornings when I decided to wake up on the third alarm instead of the first or second. So, I got up at 6:30. Then everything just went super slow. It really was the toaster. I put the bagel in and walk away, thinking its toasting. Then, I come back. Its not plugged in. Ok, fine I still have some time. I walk away, thinking its toasting... I was wrong again. Though the bagel was weighing the toaster slots down it was not toasting. Then its starts toasting. I start eating at 7:00. Let me explain the relevance of this time. I usually get in the shower at 7:00. Which puts me getting in my car at 7:20. This will get me to work 25 miles away somewhere in the neighborhood of 7:50. I get in the shower today at 7:16. I leave around 7:30. I will be on time, getting to work around 8:00. No, wrong again. Today, my Jeep decides is the best day for the, then unknown, cracked radiator house to spew antifreeze all over my engine; or at least for the effects to be felt. This rather inexpensive ($700 - shoot me in the face!) repair needs immediate attention; not to mention the other $500 I will need to fork out to fix the suspension soon. This is really my brother's jeep, seeing as I never really paid him for it, and I seeing as he may want it back I have to fix it anyway.
Also, may I mention I detest my current job. The job I really want, that I have been interviewing for, is being elusive. The recruiter in their HR is not calling me back. She should be seeing as the person I interview with liked me and wants me to talk to the one last guy. The job, hopefully, will mean a pay grade increase, a shorter commute, a better work atmosphere, etc. The easiest way is to say, this grass doesn't just seem green, it doesn't matter because at least there's grass. I don't care if I'm going from a desert to a savanna after a wildfire, its still better. Though I doubt it will be like that, the guys I know that work there love it. Everyone loves it. It seems like a haven of worker zen, while I am scraping an existence in worker hell.
So, after an enjoyable weekend with my parents celebrating my grandmother's 85 birthday, I am back to hell and starting what is proving to be a horrible week. I am looking on the bright side though (you may not think so after this rant, you may not think it possible after this rant), and its not the "someone else has it worse" silver lining, it's this "can my week really get any worse?" I'm going to say that this is the worst and from here on out everything will just be so much better. Hey, even the annoying co-worker is on vacation. Now, if only my boss would go on a sudden and extended vacation, actually if he just took the rest of the day off I'd be happy.
Needless to say, I'm looking at Subaru's and I'm about to employ that idea that "someone has it worse" by trying to cheer myself up by checking out fmylife.com, and maybe I'll peruse that last night's text place, too.
It was one of those mornings when I decided to wake up on the third alarm instead of the first or second. So, I got up at 6:30. Then everything just went super slow. It really was the toaster. I put the bagel in and walk away, thinking its toasting. Then, I come back. Its not plugged in. Ok, fine I still have some time. I walk away, thinking its toasting... I was wrong again. Though the bagel was weighing the toaster slots down it was not toasting. Then its starts toasting. I start eating at 7:00. Let me explain the relevance of this time. I usually get in the shower at 7:00. Which puts me getting in my car at 7:20. This will get me to work 25 miles away somewhere in the neighborhood of 7:50. I get in the shower today at 7:16. I leave around 7:30. I will be on time, getting to work around 8:00. No, wrong again. Today, my Jeep decides is the best day for the, then unknown, cracked radiator house to spew antifreeze all over my engine; or at least for the effects to be felt. This rather inexpensive ($700 - shoot me in the face!) repair needs immediate attention; not to mention the other $500 I will need to fork out to fix the suspension soon. This is really my brother's jeep, seeing as I never really paid him for it, and I seeing as he may want it back I have to fix it anyway.
Also, may I mention I detest my current job. The job I really want, that I have been interviewing for, is being elusive. The recruiter in their HR is not calling me back. She should be seeing as the person I interview with liked me and wants me to talk to the one last guy. The job, hopefully, will mean a pay grade increase, a shorter commute, a better work atmosphere, etc. The easiest way is to say, this grass doesn't just seem green, it doesn't matter because at least there's grass. I don't care if I'm going from a desert to a savanna after a wildfire, its still better. Though I doubt it will be like that, the guys I know that work there love it. Everyone loves it. It seems like a haven of worker zen, while I am scraping an existence in worker hell.
So, after an enjoyable weekend with my parents celebrating my grandmother's 85 birthday, I am back to hell and starting what is proving to be a horrible week. I am looking on the bright side though (you may not think so after this rant, you may not think it possible after this rant), and its not the "someone else has it worse" silver lining, it's this "can my week really get any worse?" I'm going to say that this is the worst and from here on out everything will just be so much better. Hey, even the annoying co-worker is on vacation. Now, if only my boss would go on a sudden and extended vacation, actually if he just took the rest of the day off I'd be happy.
Needless to say, I'm looking at Subaru's and I'm about to employ that idea that "someone has it worse" by trying to cheer myself up by checking out fmylife.com, and maybe I'll peruse that last night's text place, too.
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