I’m waiting for life to begin
I’m waiting to finally win
I’m waiting for my only turn
I’m waiting for money to burn
I’m waiting for you learn
I’m waiting for you to yearn
I’m waiting for my life to begin
I’m waiting to see if I win
I’m waiting to lose
I’m waiting to choose
I’m waiting for booze
I’m waiting for a muse
I’m waiting for you to begin
I’m waiting for us to win
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Poem: Humanity
Oh, Love of my life where have you gone,
Is this over like every favorite song
Sung by the voice over the radio
The notes follow wherever you go
But where am I when you’ve left me
My eyes are straining against the sea
The waves are crashing against my brain
My head is pounding, my heart is insane
The four walls are dragging me down
I can’t stand up when you’re not around
I’ve looked high and I’ve searched low
But I’m not sure if that is how I’ll show
That I wish you were still here somehow
I’ve lost sight of you and can’t hear now
The waves crashing inside and around my brain
The silence drags on and is slowly turning me insane
I see the shape but where is the life
Is it all sitting on the edge of the knife?
They look so pretty as they sit in a row
They stand facing handle up against the foe
But is it hidden in the rows of steel
I wonder this; I wander is it ever real
Like the waves crashing down on my brain
Slowly growing, the tide ebbs to make me insane
Let’s hear the refrain
Echoing into our pain
The waves are crashing and destroying my brain
When will you, like me, begin to be driven insane?
The waves are crashing and eroding my soul
Can we cross this; we divide to take on the role
Of the waves crashing in someone else’s brain
Until we are all slowly driven completely insane
Is this over like every favorite song
Sung by the voice over the radio
The notes follow wherever you go
But where am I when you’ve left me
My eyes are straining against the sea
The waves are crashing against my brain
My head is pounding, my heart is insane
The four walls are dragging me down
I can’t stand up when you’re not around
I’ve looked high and I’ve searched low
But I’m not sure if that is how I’ll show
That I wish you were still here somehow
I’ve lost sight of you and can’t hear now
The waves crashing inside and around my brain
The silence drags on and is slowly turning me insane
I see the shape but where is the life
Is it all sitting on the edge of the knife?
They look so pretty as they sit in a row
They stand facing handle up against the foe
But is it hidden in the rows of steel
I wonder this; I wander is it ever real
Like the waves crashing down on my brain
Slowly growing, the tide ebbs to make me insane
Let’s hear the refrain
Echoing into our pain
The waves are crashing and destroying my brain
When will you, like me, begin to be driven insane?
The waves are crashing and eroding my soul
Can we cross this; we divide to take on the role
Of the waves crashing in someone else’s brain
Until we are all slowly driven completely insane
Monday, August 9, 2010
The peace of prayer
Prayer really helps. After everything I've gone through just today, I know that God is with me.
Today, I actually broke down. Hard for a guy to admit.
I got a call from a job that was positive. I'm in the running, and hopefully will hear in the next few weeks.
I finished the impromptu performance review, thanks to the Lord's help, in flying colors. I now have secured my job here at least for a little bit longer, so that I can focus on getting a new job without unemployment hanging over me.
phew... grace is amazing, God is good, and I can't wait to go home. Monday's are always better after work is done.
Today, I actually broke down. Hard for a guy to admit.
I got a call from a job that was positive. I'm in the running, and hopefully will hear in the next few weeks.
I finished the impromptu performance review, thanks to the Lord's help, in flying colors. I now have secured my job here at least for a little bit longer, so that I can focus on getting a new job without unemployment hanging over me.
phew... grace is amazing, God is good, and I can't wait to go home. Monday's are always better after work is done.
Crying, really this sucks
As a man it is very hard to admit to breaking down and crying. Well, that is what I did. On the phone with my wife, balling my eyes out in the cold database room that's really just a small closet. Yes, this sucks.
A couple months ago, I read Crazy Love. I prayed that God would help me live a life of faith. Today I am going to put that into practice.
God, I faith in you that whatever happens you will be there. That whatever I say that it will be truth and that you will be there. Lord, if I am rejected that you would be there. Lord, if my words are accept please be there. Lord, as I sit here wondering what to say please be here. As I drive home later you will be there. Lord, as my wife nannies you are there. Lord, let your grace shine upon, let me know your presence as intimately as my own skin, and let me know that you are here and with my always. I love you.
A couple months ago, I read Crazy Love. I prayed that God would help me live a life of faith. Today I am going to put that into practice.
God, I faith in you that whatever happens you will be there. That whatever I say that it will be truth and that you will be there. Lord, if I am rejected that you would be there. Lord, if my words are accept please be there. Lord, as I sit here wondering what to say please be here. As I drive home later you will be there. Lord, as my wife nannies you are there. Lord, let your grace shine upon, let me know your presence as intimately as my own skin, and let me know that you are here and with my always. I love you.
Struggles of Business Integrity
Do you take the blame or give it? When you boil it down to this question I think it becomes easier. We are called to be like Christ. As business people this looks like career suicide.
Try this question:
Do I stand up to my superior's or do I take the blame for their errors and those of others?
This is hard. Christ did. He took our sin. I am learning what it feels like to take on the mistakes of others. I would never say that I can ever attain to be like Christ, but I think God may be giving me a taste of what His son went through. Though the scale is like a grain of sand versus the galaxy, I have recently had to endure the blame for mistakes, the bad work ethic, and ignorance of my superiors and co-workers. I really believe that my coworkers have made an Olympian sport of blame deflection. This is not for the Christ follower, we should take responsibility for our actions; but what about taking the responsibilities for others?
I'm really struggling with this. I want to uphold my integrity, but is my pride getting in the way? Should I lay down my identity of integrity and take the blame for all of it? Can I handle that? Does integrity include this virtue? Is this what Christ meant by turning the other cheek? Is this what we are called to as Christians in the business world, to sacrifice success for...but what am I sacrificing for? To take another hit on the cheek? How many cheek lashing must I endure? Do I abandon aggressive business behavior to the detriment of supporting my family? Do I become the office scapegoat? And in the end what...? What will happen? Is Christ exalted? Is God glorified?
I know I shouldn't look to earthly and material things to gauge the success of the kingdom, but how do you mark the success of the kingdom in a business? Is it better to attain praise to receive responsibility with which change can be instigated? Or do I remain downtrodden, abused, cheeks red with continued blows? I'm not looking for an escape route, but at what point do I obey the command to care for my family and the understanding of being open to persecution? Or is there a distinction between spiritual and personal persecution? What I mean is do I let myself be killed for the kingdom? or (like this case) try and shift the blame to its appropriate place to assuage myself of the guilt and blame currently leveled at me? or am I to let go of the individual and personal in favor of the kingdom using personal persecutions as tests and trials that in the end will strip me of my selfishness in order to receive the serenity of Christ?
To be honest that sounds more like a Buddhist teaching than the love of Christ.
I guess then I should be asking, am I even in the right place. Should I abandon this materialistic lifestyle in favor of purely following Christ as I seek to save the lost? Should I sell all I own and enter into a missionary life in some deep dark jungle?
Or: Is this persecution the part and parcel struggle to be expected as a Christian in the work world?
Try this question:
Do I stand up to my superior's or do I take the blame for their errors and those of others?
This is hard. Christ did. He took our sin. I am learning what it feels like to take on the mistakes of others. I would never say that I can ever attain to be like Christ, but I think God may be giving me a taste of what His son went through. Though the scale is like a grain of sand versus the galaxy, I have recently had to endure the blame for mistakes, the bad work ethic, and ignorance of my superiors and co-workers. I really believe that my coworkers have made an Olympian sport of blame deflection. This is not for the Christ follower, we should take responsibility for our actions; but what about taking the responsibilities for others?
I'm really struggling with this. I want to uphold my integrity, but is my pride getting in the way? Should I lay down my identity of integrity and take the blame for all of it? Can I handle that? Does integrity include this virtue? Is this what Christ meant by turning the other cheek? Is this what we are called to as Christians in the business world, to sacrifice success for...but what am I sacrificing for? To take another hit on the cheek? How many cheek lashing must I endure? Do I abandon aggressive business behavior to the detriment of supporting my family? Do I become the office scapegoat? And in the end what...? What will happen? Is Christ exalted? Is God glorified?
I know I shouldn't look to earthly and material things to gauge the success of the kingdom, but how do you mark the success of the kingdom in a business? Is it better to attain praise to receive responsibility with which change can be instigated? Or do I remain downtrodden, abused, cheeks red with continued blows? I'm not looking for an escape route, but at what point do I obey the command to care for my family and the understanding of being open to persecution? Or is there a distinction between spiritual and personal persecution? What I mean is do I let myself be killed for the kingdom? or (like this case) try and shift the blame to its appropriate place to assuage myself of the guilt and blame currently leveled at me? or am I to let go of the individual and personal in favor of the kingdom using personal persecutions as tests and trials that in the end will strip me of my selfishness in order to receive the serenity of Christ?
To be honest that sounds more like a Buddhist teaching than the love of Christ.
I guess then I should be asking, am I even in the right place. Should I abandon this materialistic lifestyle in favor of purely following Christ as I seek to save the lost? Should I sell all I own and enter into a missionary life in some deep dark jungle?
Or: Is this persecution the part and parcel struggle to be expected as a Christian in the work world?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Where does your strength lie?
I feel him standing over me, not oppressively, but because I'm laying broken on the floor my heart in tatters poisoning my mind. He's asking, "Where does your strength lie?"
My strength has been lying to me a lot lately, its been absent. I've run to safe havens, vulnerable and exposed to be rebuffed. I feel like my heart is exposed, my rib cage torn open, and their words are nothing but cold, icy, salty wind cutting deeper. I'm destroyed by this. So, I cover the exposure. I out armor over it. A thick breast plate covers the hole. I take up a large, thick shield to thwart any attack.
I'm on the floor crying. He's standing. He's asking. He's wanting an answer. So, am I.
I've fought to long, he says. I'm not alone, I never was. I open my eyes. The light floods in. A cleansing, healing light. Tears of sorrow turn to joy and run like rivers down a mountain.
"I'll put my strength in you. I will follow you. Fight before me, and I will be safe."
My strength has been lying to me a lot lately, its been absent. I've run to safe havens, vulnerable and exposed to be rebuffed. I feel like my heart is exposed, my rib cage torn open, and their words are nothing but cold, icy, salty wind cutting deeper. I'm destroyed by this. So, I cover the exposure. I out armor over it. A thick breast plate covers the hole. I take up a large, thick shield to thwart any attack.
I'm on the floor crying. He's standing. He's asking. He's wanting an answer. So, am I.
I've fought to long, he says. I'm not alone, I never was. I open my eyes. The light floods in. A cleansing, healing light. Tears of sorrow turn to joy and run like rivers down a mountain.
"I'll put my strength in you. I will follow you. Fight before me, and I will be safe."
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Nerves
So, this week has been ridiculous.
That's probably the best way to sum it up. I had to put my Jeep to pasture and buy an awesome Subaru. It is bittersweet. I've wanted a Subaru for a while now, but leaving the Jeep after 3 years was more heart wrenching than I thought. First hump of the roller-coaster.
The next hump is this do-or-die interview I have today at 2. After 4 interviews, one with the recruiter and two with what will be my new supervisor if I get the job, it all comes down to this. After this one interview I either have or do not have the job. At least that is what they have led me to believe. Maybe this should have been the first because this feels like a straight drop down, as far as nerves go. I am trying to let my faith take over and rely solely on God. Though my faith has grown in this process, I am so nervous. I think its because this is my ticket out of a bad job. Maybe I'm putting too much on this job.
It doesn't help that work has been horrible. Maybe its that my escape is so close that everything seems worse, maybe it's my coworker going on vacation and leaving so much work unfinished and not telling me about it but I still need to do it, maybe it's my boss continually dropping bombs on me because he doesn't trust the employee who is now on vacation in Australia and I have to do all her work, maybe it's the CFO who never answers my emails when I ask him what I need to do then months done the line telling me to fix the mistakes that would have been made had he answered his emails, maybe it's the fact that owner completely ignores the fact that the plant here needs money instead telling me to send tens of thousands of dollars to start up another plant (I feel like I need to add this: we are an outsource machining company, the plant here has one con tract that ends very soon, the owner wants to expand in the north, we are barely making it already and now we have to support the expansion without any vision for when the contract runs out in the next few months, awesome), or maybe it's the fact that despite having only roughly 2 hours worth of work everyday I have to stay here to satisfy my boss and my bank account.
The problem with this roller-coaster is that there is no line. So, instead of stopping, safety bars rising taking with them my tension and filling me with relief, I am still riding. The operators smile manically ever time I go by and they just push the green button with a malicious grin. My stomach has risen and fallen so many times I'm not sure where it is anymore, my body is bruised from the jerking about, and I've run out of energy to sustain the emotions. My limp body is being thrown about willynilly until this ends...awesome.
That's probably the best way to sum it up. I had to put my Jeep to pasture and buy an awesome Subaru. It is bittersweet. I've wanted a Subaru for a while now, but leaving the Jeep after 3 years was more heart wrenching than I thought. First hump of the roller-coaster.
The next hump is this do-or-die interview I have today at 2. After 4 interviews, one with the recruiter and two with what will be my new supervisor if I get the job, it all comes down to this. After this one interview I either have or do not have the job. At least that is what they have led me to believe. Maybe this should have been the first because this feels like a straight drop down, as far as nerves go. I am trying to let my faith take over and rely solely on God. Though my faith has grown in this process, I am so nervous. I think its because this is my ticket out of a bad job. Maybe I'm putting too much on this job.
It doesn't help that work has been horrible. Maybe its that my escape is so close that everything seems worse, maybe it's my coworker going on vacation and leaving so much work unfinished and not telling me about it but I still need to do it, maybe it's my boss continually dropping bombs on me because he doesn't trust the employee who is now on vacation in Australia and I have to do all her work, maybe it's the CFO who never answers my emails when I ask him what I need to do then months done the line telling me to fix the mistakes that would have been made had he answered his emails, maybe it's the fact that owner completely ignores the fact that the plant here needs money instead telling me to send tens of thousands of dollars to start up another plant (I feel like I need to add this: we are an outsource machining company, the plant here has one con tract that ends very soon, the owner wants to expand in the north, we are barely making it already and now we have to support the expansion without any vision for when the contract runs out in the next few months, awesome), or maybe it's the fact that despite having only roughly 2 hours worth of work everyday I have to stay here to satisfy my boss and my bank account.
The problem with this roller-coaster is that there is no line. So, instead of stopping, safety bars rising taking with them my tension and filling me with relief, I am still riding. The operators smile manically ever time I go by and they just push the green button with a malicious grin. My stomach has risen and fallen so many times I'm not sure where it is anymore, my body is bruised from the jerking about, and I've run out of energy to sustain the emotions. My limp body is being thrown about willynilly until this ends...awesome.
Monday, August 2, 2010
and it continues
So, I thought that my terrible morning would be the start to one of those wonderful days where you've already hit rock bottom and then everything gets better. Nope. Now I'm getting dragged across the rock bottom to make sure that my face is rubbed deeply enough in it that I never forget this day. Awesome.
the day with the name
Today sucks.
It was one of those mornings when I decided to wake up on the third alarm instead of the first or second. So, I got up at 6:30. Then everything just went super slow. It really was the toaster. I put the bagel in and walk away, thinking its toasting. Then, I come back. Its not plugged in. Ok, fine I still have some time. I walk away, thinking its toasting... I was wrong again. Though the bagel was weighing the toaster slots down it was not toasting. Then its starts toasting. I start eating at 7:00. Let me explain the relevance of this time. I usually get in the shower at 7:00. Which puts me getting in my car at 7:20. This will get me to work 25 miles away somewhere in the neighborhood of 7:50. I get in the shower today at 7:16. I leave around 7:30. I will be on time, getting to work around 8:00. No, wrong again. Today, my Jeep decides is the best day for the, then unknown, cracked radiator house to spew antifreeze all over my engine; or at least for the effects to be felt. This rather inexpensive ($700 - shoot me in the face!) repair needs immediate attention; not to mention the other $500 I will need to fork out to fix the suspension soon. This is really my brother's jeep, seeing as I never really paid him for it, and I seeing as he may want it back I have to fix it anyway.
Also, may I mention I detest my current job. The job I really want, that I have been interviewing for, is being elusive. The recruiter in their HR is not calling me back. She should be seeing as the person I interview with liked me and wants me to talk to the one last guy. The job, hopefully, will mean a pay grade increase, a shorter commute, a better work atmosphere, etc. The easiest way is to say, this grass doesn't just seem green, it doesn't matter because at least there's grass. I don't care if I'm going from a desert to a savanna after a wildfire, its still better. Though I doubt it will be like that, the guys I know that work there love it. Everyone loves it. It seems like a haven of worker zen, while I am scraping an existence in worker hell.
So, after an enjoyable weekend with my parents celebrating my grandmother's 85 birthday, I am back to hell and starting what is proving to be a horrible week. I am looking on the bright side though (you may not think so after this rant, you may not think it possible after this rant), and its not the "someone else has it worse" silver lining, it's this "can my week really get any worse?" I'm going to say that this is the worst and from here on out everything will just be so much better. Hey, even the annoying co-worker is on vacation. Now, if only my boss would go on a sudden and extended vacation, actually if he just took the rest of the day off I'd be happy.
Needless to say, I'm looking at Subaru's and I'm about to employ that idea that "someone has it worse" by trying to cheer myself up by checking out fmylife.com, and maybe I'll peruse that last night's text place, too.
It was one of those mornings when I decided to wake up on the third alarm instead of the first or second. So, I got up at 6:30. Then everything just went super slow. It really was the toaster. I put the bagel in and walk away, thinking its toasting. Then, I come back. Its not plugged in. Ok, fine I still have some time. I walk away, thinking its toasting... I was wrong again. Though the bagel was weighing the toaster slots down it was not toasting. Then its starts toasting. I start eating at 7:00. Let me explain the relevance of this time. I usually get in the shower at 7:00. Which puts me getting in my car at 7:20. This will get me to work 25 miles away somewhere in the neighborhood of 7:50. I get in the shower today at 7:16. I leave around 7:30. I will be on time, getting to work around 8:00. No, wrong again. Today, my Jeep decides is the best day for the, then unknown, cracked radiator house to spew antifreeze all over my engine; or at least for the effects to be felt. This rather inexpensive ($700 - shoot me in the face!) repair needs immediate attention; not to mention the other $500 I will need to fork out to fix the suspension soon. This is really my brother's jeep, seeing as I never really paid him for it, and I seeing as he may want it back I have to fix it anyway.
Also, may I mention I detest my current job. The job I really want, that I have been interviewing for, is being elusive. The recruiter in their HR is not calling me back. She should be seeing as the person I interview with liked me and wants me to talk to the one last guy. The job, hopefully, will mean a pay grade increase, a shorter commute, a better work atmosphere, etc. The easiest way is to say, this grass doesn't just seem green, it doesn't matter because at least there's grass. I don't care if I'm going from a desert to a savanna after a wildfire, its still better. Though I doubt it will be like that, the guys I know that work there love it. Everyone loves it. It seems like a haven of worker zen, while I am scraping an existence in worker hell.
So, after an enjoyable weekend with my parents celebrating my grandmother's 85 birthday, I am back to hell and starting what is proving to be a horrible week. I am looking on the bright side though (you may not think so after this rant, you may not think it possible after this rant), and its not the "someone else has it worse" silver lining, it's this "can my week really get any worse?" I'm going to say that this is the worst and from here on out everything will just be so much better. Hey, even the annoying co-worker is on vacation. Now, if only my boss would go on a sudden and extended vacation, actually if he just took the rest of the day off I'd be happy.
Needless to say, I'm looking at Subaru's and I'm about to employ that idea that "someone has it worse" by trying to cheer myself up by checking out fmylife.com, and maybe I'll peruse that last night's text place, too.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Blind for Blessing
Blessing. Have you ever had one where when you were first blessed, it was earth shattering, then slowly becomes normal, even annoying or fill the blank. It goes from blessing to not blessing. Stories abound of men with insatiable lust. They want that woman more than life itself. Then they get them. Unfortunately, they've had to do so by force, or skill, something other than love. They try to satiate the lust, but once the object of his desire is forcibly used, abused even, then they hate her. Why? Probably cause they are the standing subject of their shame, a constant unrelenting reminder of what they took by force.
Tenacity. I have been looking for a better job. There is a company I would love to work for, I even felt led to work there. At first my tenacity was enveloped by faith. It was saturated by it. It lived because of faith.
Desperation. That is what my tenacity has become. I'm so desperate to get out of my job that I'll do anything to get that job. My interview drained me. Two days later I'm still struggling to stay awake. I feel completely out of energy and desire to do anything but sit and vegetate. I would even go so far as to say that my heart and faith now feel like a cheap whore used to satiate a man's reminder of some other girl. I was so desperate in my mind, that my heart was left behind to struggle in the aftermath of emotion-killing drive that had consumed me. How could I feel right to enter into a new place of work wanting to love and enjoy it, when everyday I stepped into my current place of work filled with hate. I'm really wanting to be someone else and accusing my work of my shameful actions instead trying to change what is wrong in me and look in compassion to these poor lost souls around me. So, I decided to do something purely for someone else at work. Even not for them, but for my place of work. It was a procedure that would streamline a different department's work. It was analyze reoccurring issues to better the process. This would not help me at all. I think it worked.
Faith. I need it so badly right now. I know that to get that faith that I need; that I need to offer up myself, my control, my pride at God's throne, throwing myself at His mercy begging that He will forgive me. I need to re-saturate my life with the faith that comes from Him. I cannot move anywhere, or even take my next breathe without Him. I've been thinking about doing Yoga with my wife to better our physical bodies; but as we listen to the Audio Book version Eat, Pray, Love I'm struck by the sense of spirituality in it. If all Christians could adapt the yogic methods gluttony would be abandoned, the mind - so analytical and power hungry - would be abandoned for the heart from which God can use us to save the lost and ease the suffering of this broken world around us, the meditative methods would calm our egos and sooth our anger. The issues that define our hypocrisy would be erased. The issue with yoga of course is the individuality of it. As the body of Christ though, we can apply the method's to His body and as His body transcend individually through corporate unity. Yoga does have origin's in other religions; but Jesus would isolate Himself to meditate and pray, David would come before the Lord in supplication, Enoch walked with the Lord to the point that he did not suffer bodily death... in fact it is when we are undisciplined in this that we fall asleep only to awake afraid and then resort to violence and anger as Peter did cutting off the ear of the servant. Maybe, I'm wrong with the yoga, but Mystics who have prayed fervently through the years have always done great good for the world, selflessly.
Tenacity. I have been looking for a better job. There is a company I would love to work for, I even felt led to work there. At first my tenacity was enveloped by faith. It was saturated by it. It lived because of faith.
Desperation. That is what my tenacity has become. I'm so desperate to get out of my job that I'll do anything to get that job. My interview drained me. Two days later I'm still struggling to stay awake. I feel completely out of energy and desire to do anything but sit and vegetate. I would even go so far as to say that my heart and faith now feel like a cheap whore used to satiate a man's reminder of some other girl. I was so desperate in my mind, that my heart was left behind to struggle in the aftermath of emotion-killing drive that had consumed me. How could I feel right to enter into a new place of work wanting to love and enjoy it, when everyday I stepped into my current place of work filled with hate. I'm really wanting to be someone else and accusing my work of my shameful actions instead trying to change what is wrong in me and look in compassion to these poor lost souls around me. So, I decided to do something purely for someone else at work. Even not for them, but for my place of work. It was a procedure that would streamline a different department's work. It was analyze reoccurring issues to better the process. This would not help me at all. I think it worked.
Faith. I need it so badly right now. I know that to get that faith that I need; that I need to offer up myself, my control, my pride at God's throne, throwing myself at His mercy begging that He will forgive me. I need to re-saturate my life with the faith that comes from Him. I cannot move anywhere, or even take my next breathe without Him. I've been thinking about doing Yoga with my wife to better our physical bodies; but as we listen to the Audio Book version Eat, Pray, Love I'm struck by the sense of spirituality in it. If all Christians could adapt the yogic methods gluttony would be abandoned, the mind - so analytical and power hungry - would be abandoned for the heart from which God can use us to save the lost and ease the suffering of this broken world around us, the meditative methods would calm our egos and sooth our anger. The issues that define our hypocrisy would be erased. The issue with yoga of course is the individuality of it. As the body of Christ though, we can apply the method's to His body and as His body transcend individually through corporate unity. Yoga does have origin's in other religions; but Jesus would isolate Himself to meditate and pray, David would come before the Lord in supplication, Enoch walked with the Lord to the point that he did not suffer bodily death... in fact it is when we are undisciplined in this that we fall asleep only to awake afraid and then resort to violence and anger as Peter did cutting off the ear of the servant. Maybe, I'm wrong with the yoga, but Mystics who have prayed fervently through the years have always done great good for the world, selflessly.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Interviews
Something about interviews make me nervous, even now at 9 am I have sweaty palms because of my interview at 2pm this afternoon. It is either the sign of my desperation, the sign of much I do not like where I work, or that I am an overanxious person. Actually, its probably all three. I'm trying to rely on God. Which I am learning (the implementing kind of learning) that we really shouldn't try because we'll fail; but if we focus so much on desiring to be faithful, God will see it and meet us there. If our faith is so focused and beseeching God for faith, then won't we be faithful in all we do? That's my thought for today, my hope for today, my desire for today. We'll see how it turns out.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Bold and Humbling Power: Acts 3:1-10
Acts 3
Peter Heals the Crippled Beggar
1One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" 5So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.6Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." 7Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. 8He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. 9When all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.
Its long sorry.
I've been reading Acts. As you can see I've only recently started. I've been trying to read a chapter at a time, but these ten verses just stopped me in my tracks. I was struck by the pure love. I was floored by the what was happening 'in between the lines'.
First, off they carry this guy to the Beautiful gate. A cripple from birth, mostly likely dressed in rags, he probably smells because he can't move to clean himself, his muscles atrophied, probably skin and bone, a leech on society. So, as people would walk through this 'beautiful' gate, he'd be there juxtaposed against the beauty, he would be there this scourge of the earth.
Of course, their heart strings tugged them to no end, the passersby would give him something. You had to. Your hypocrisy would otherwise be blatant. So, they dropped a coin barely giving him the time of day, averting their eyes.
Here's the second thing that floored me. See having served on an urban mission trip before I learned that the dehumanizing of such eye-aversion was worse than not giving. Peter being a fisherman, he's used to being smelly, avoided, looked down on, etc. Though people most likely gave Peter more respect, he was not much further up the proverbial ladder than this man. So, he, with all the empathy he can muster, looks this man straight in the eye. He even says, "Look at me!". He is boldly acknowledging this man's humanity. Something everyone else would rather not do. Peter has just spent three years unemployed following a messiah. He knows how to live off of people's offerings. We can easily conjecture about his financial thoughts after Jesus' death, because Peter returns almost immediately to fishing. Most likely heartbroken, disappointed, maybe even angry that Jesus was such a weak leader.
So, Peter looks at this man, knowing how it is to live at others mercy, knowing how it feels to be disappointed with life, knowing the degradation endured by those at the bottom of society's 'ladder', and knowing that this man is ready for something amazing.
Peter first gives this man something he probably doesn't get often: recognition; then something else most likely novel: honesty. Peter says, "I'm like you. I'm poor. I was crippled but in a different way. In a way we all are. But I also have the answer. I know you're ready, so I'm going to give to you. Because I know you barely have enough hope to ask. You have faith, why else would you be here at God's doorstep? Well, don't worry God is here."
Maybe, you don't like conjecture; maybe you can take this for what it is, not as much conjecture as it is translation and background info.
What you can't miss is this: Faith. How much faith must it take for that man to sit there day by day begging, for Peter to go and proclaim a risen and resurrected messiah when his nation wanted a physical warring messiah, for Peter to acknowledge God's power in him - power to do the extraordinary in the ordinary, and finally for Peter and John not to balk and run or try and quiet the man, but deliver the sermon that follows these versus.
People talk about an Apostolic age, like God's power in humanity has diminished. I think it's an excuse that modern comfort-loving Christians use to shirk from their responsibility of taking on the bold and humbling power of God. They (and I know because I'm one of them) would rather trust in their own strength and be favored by the world, than trust in God's strength and face persecution.
I have to look at it like this. It may be selfish but I think the perspective gained is more important: what has the world ever or will ever do for you? Really, what have they done for you? Ok, you can think of a few things. Good so can I. Maybe you feel fulfilled, included, even liked! But wait. Oh there they are: conditions. On what conditions do you gain these? Do you have to conform to them, buy there clothes, root for their team, go to their school, do their activities... take on their morals? How good is it now? How long will it last? Do you still feel included or used? And maybe you need to do this exercise with your weaknesses and not mine.
Now: what has God done for you? And I'm seriously asking you to think about something that you can only attribute to God. Maybe that job was through an old friend, maybe this, maybe that; not those. God is doing, has done, and will do things in your life or the lives of others that are inexplicable. These are miracles, these are the things of the 'apostolic age', these are the things which only the bold and humbling power of God can do through you.
So, why are we still catering to the world? Well, probably because we are short-sighted and selfish. I am, and if I am - me the finance plan 5 years in advance, the plan everything down to the dust mite - then I know many more will struggle with this as well.
But God is staring us down, saying, "Look at me! I don't have all the stuff of this world that you want, and you cling to. This stuff you don't need but want more than what you need. Well, I have what you need. What you really, really need. So, I'm going to give it to you."
There are no conditions with God, He loves, and through His love we are transformed. I hope and pray that you will take on the strength of our Lord letting go of your strength (which is really just weakness) so that we may transform this world by being beacons of the light of His love in this dark world.Monday, July 19, 2010
Being Married is awesome
Forget everything you've heard about marriage. It is not a ball and chain. It should be freeing. Personally I have never been this motivated. I am so motivated to not let work get to me, to get a better job, to make sure I do well and continue to learn to advance myself. When I was single I was totally ok with just putting out the bare minimum to get by and then 'enjoy' life. Well, now that I'm married I have this major shift. I want to work less for more, to not only feel fulfilled in my job, but to make sure that my work does not interfere with my life. I don't want to worry about paying the bills, I don't want office drama to occupy my conversations with my wife.
I want to live freely, fully, and with my wife.
So, to you grumpy marriage haters. Say yes, to the true love that marriage brings. I did, and its awesome.
I want to live freely, fully, and with my wife.
So, to you grumpy marriage haters. Say yes, to the true love that marriage brings. I did, and its awesome.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Colossians 3:15
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Wednesday, June 23
Colossians 3:15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
I'm somewhat of a worrier. I never was, but I am now. Maybe that's because having left home and struck out on my own, now about to get married, I've got a lot more responsibility. Whatever the reason, I worry. Yet, as a Christian I am called to not worry. This is part of the process of letting the 'Old Man' die and letting the 'New Man' live. A major part of that is surrender. We are asked in this verse to let His peace rule in us. Two things are important in this: peace and rule. We have to stop warring against God and we have to let Him rule. We have to stop trying to get and give up control. Why? Well, as redeemed Christians we are now part of one body. A body that attacks itself, or its head (our spiritual Head being Christ), is considering medically as diseased. So, we the church, who are considered the body 0f Christ, are what? diseased? Logically yes. The issue is that many of us are aiding and abetting the disease instead of fighting it. We need to take on His peace and let Him be the avenger, while we humbly take on His yoke and do His work.
Be thankful....? Really? What a weird way to end a verse. Yet, the truth stands. If we are redeemed by Christ's love, if we accept that love, if we act on that love, if stop fighting, if we surrender, then we will see something marvelous. We will see what God has given to redeem us, why then shouldn't we be thankful? It's almost though as if Paul, recognizing how long the disease has been ravaging God's people, has given us symptoms of what a healthy body of Christ would look like.
So, take this to heart: stop fighting, surrender to a rule of peace, and you will be thankful and will live a thankful life blessed by your King.
Wednesday, June 23
Colossians 3:15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
I'm somewhat of a worrier. I never was, but I am now. Maybe that's because having left home and struck out on my own, now about to get married, I've got a lot more responsibility. Whatever the reason, I worry. Yet, as a Christian I am called to not worry. This is part of the process of letting the 'Old Man' die and letting the 'New Man' live. A major part of that is surrender. We are asked in this verse to let His peace rule in us. Two things are important in this: peace and rule. We have to stop warring against God and we have to let Him rule. We have to stop trying to get and give up control. Why? Well, as redeemed Christians we are now part of one body. A body that attacks itself, or its head (our spiritual Head being Christ), is considering medically as diseased. So, we the church, who are considered the body 0f Christ, are what? diseased? Logically yes. The issue is that many of us are aiding and abetting the disease instead of fighting it. We need to take on His peace and let Him be the avenger, while we humbly take on His yoke and do His work.
Be thankful....? Really? What a weird way to end a verse. Yet, the truth stands. If we are redeemed by Christ's love, if we accept that love, if we act on that love, if stop fighting, if we surrender, then we will see something marvelous. We will see what God has given to redeem us, why then shouldn't we be thankful? It's almost though as if Paul, recognizing how long the disease has been ravaging God's people, has given us symptoms of what a healthy body of Christ would look like.
So, take this to heart: stop fighting, surrender to a rule of peace, and you will be thankful and will live a thankful life blessed by your King.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Matthew 16:25
Tuesday, June 22
Matthew 16:25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
What does it really look like to lose our lives? To stop hanging on to life?
Maybe another good question to ask to start this would be: have you ever felt that you are hanging on, desperately hanging on? What are you hanging on to?
I once heard a sermon where the preacher described someone on their deathbed clinging to the bed rails as if they were hanging on to life itself. Well, God is saying to let go. To let go of the life around us and cling to Him and the life He has. This reminds me of something my priest discussed with my fiance and me in pre-marital counseling. This idea that 'caving-in' to let the argument end doesn't help at all. The argument has not ended it will return and when it does it will be worse. You have to look at the long run, the short-term calm is nothing but a smoke screen. In the Bible Jacob bought Esau's birthright for a bowl of soup. He was so focused on the short-term that he forgot to think about the future. Does that sound familiar? Does that resonate with you? Unfortunately, our society is so focued on the moment that it has become counter cultural to really think in the long-term; but isn't that what we are called to be? Aren't we supossed to be counter-cultural? If a Christian is comfortable in the world, are they really a Christian?
A book called 'the Hole in the Gospel' addresses this. My father mentioned it in his sermon Sunday (I actually haven't read the book). We have lost our love for the needy and have worshiped the stardom of success. Our focus has slipped, from God to god-like-men; and we are paying for it.
Matthew 16:25 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
What does it really look like to lose our lives? To stop hanging on to life?
Maybe another good question to ask to start this would be: have you ever felt that you are hanging on, desperately hanging on? What are you hanging on to?
I once heard a sermon where the preacher described someone on their deathbed clinging to the bed rails as if they were hanging on to life itself. Well, God is saying to let go. To let go of the life around us and cling to Him and the life He has. This reminds me of something my priest discussed with my fiance and me in pre-marital counseling. This idea that 'caving-in' to let the argument end doesn't help at all. The argument has not ended it will return and when it does it will be worse. You have to look at the long run, the short-term calm is nothing but a smoke screen. In the Bible Jacob bought Esau's birthright for a bowl of soup. He was so focused on the short-term that he forgot to think about the future. Does that sound familiar? Does that resonate with you? Unfortunately, our society is so focued on the moment that it has become counter cultural to really think in the long-term; but isn't that what we are called to be? Aren't we supossed to be counter-cultural? If a Christian is comfortable in the world, are they really a Christian?
A book called 'the Hole in the Gospel' addresses this. My father mentioned it in his sermon Sunday (I actually haven't read the book). We have lost our love for the needy and have worshiped the stardom of success. Our focus has slipped, from God to god-like-men; and we are paying for it.
Friday, June 18, 2010
1 John 4:8
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Friday, June 18
1 John 4:8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
As humans our sin separates us from God. We are not of Him, despite being created in His image, because we have lost the ability to love as He loves. Would you gladly give your life for those who hate you? We can barely sit in a room with someone we don't like. We split churches over supposed slights. As the church we need to stand in front of the mirror and realize that we have forgotten who God is. The sad thing is we represent this God. If we claim to be His followers we should follow Him. He is calling us to let go of the sin that separates us. He is calling us to renew ourselves in His image. He is calling us to be His bride. Where has the love gone? Why do we so easily fall into believing that this world has anything for us? Our God has redeemed us and given us life, let us follow Him in that.
Friday, June 18
1 John 4:8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
As humans our sin separates us from God. We are not of Him, despite being created in His image, because we have lost the ability to love as He loves. Would you gladly give your life for those who hate you? We can barely sit in a room with someone we don't like. We split churches over supposed slights. As the church we need to stand in front of the mirror and realize that we have forgotten who God is. The sad thing is we represent this God. If we claim to be His followers we should follow Him. He is calling us to let go of the sin that separates us. He is calling us to renew ourselves in His image. He is calling us to be His bride. Where has the love gone? Why do we so easily fall into believing that this world has anything for us? Our God has redeemed us and given us life, let us follow Him in that.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Proverbs 28:23
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Thursday, June 17
Proverbs 28:23 In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.
I think its cool when the bible throws out stuff like this - really down to earth advice you would hear from your mother. Too often verses are placed on this overly religious pedestal. We make it so unreachable that its up their with flying (like superman, not in a plane) and invisibility. Yet, unlike superhero abilities it has begun to be mixed with fear. This fear is desperate because we know we need to attain it but we can't. Well, this just in (aka 2000+ years ago) God took care of that and He's asking for a down-to-earth day-to-day relationship.
That's why this verse is more than just down-to-earth, its a call to action. We need to honestly criticize ourselves, our churches, our leaders, our friends, etc. so that we can stop flattering ourselves into believing that we are worth anything without God. He is our sole worth, without Him we are nothing. Give up the need to attain anything because God is giving it freely.
Thursday, June 17
Proverbs 28:23 In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery.
I think its cool when the bible throws out stuff like this - really down to earth advice you would hear from your mother. Too often verses are placed on this overly religious pedestal. We make it so unreachable that its up their with flying (like superman, not in a plane) and invisibility. Yet, unlike superhero abilities it has begun to be mixed with fear. This fear is desperate because we know we need to attain it but we can't. Well, this just in (aka 2000+ years ago) God took care of that and He's asking for a down-to-earth day-to-day relationship.
That's why this verse is more than just down-to-earth, its a call to action. We need to honestly criticize ourselves, our churches, our leaders, our friends, etc. so that we can stop flattering ourselves into believing that we are worth anything without God. He is our sole worth, without Him we are nothing. Give up the need to attain anything because God is giving it freely.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Luke 6:45
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Wednesday, June 16
Luke 6:45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.
The heart is well hidden by pride. The heart is well hidden in silence. The heart is shown not necessarily by words, but by actions. We get frustrated with our leaders when they speak well and do nothing; and I think God does as well. The difference is He is long-suffering. If we take His love His goodness overcomes our evil and whatever Satan wishes to put in our hearts; but it is true what flows out shows what is within. Test yourself, as I am doing right now, and then come humbly before the Lord recognizing your place as the needy and receive His goodness.
Wednesday, June 16
Luke 6:45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.
The heart is well hidden by pride. The heart is well hidden in silence. The heart is shown not necessarily by words, but by actions. We get frustrated with our leaders when they speak well and do nothing; and I think God does as well. The difference is He is long-suffering. If we take His love His goodness overcomes our evil and whatever Satan wishes to put in our hearts; but it is true what flows out shows what is within. Test yourself, as I am doing right now, and then come humbly before the Lord recognizing your place as the needy and receive His goodness.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
2 Corinthians 4:8 and 9
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Tuesday, June 15
2 Corinthians 4:8 and 9 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
Today I posted "[I'm] in need of a little faith and hope" as my facebook status. What greater hope than what this verse screams out to us! We are actively pursued by the devil and life trying to break us down, but God like the supernatural superhero that He is protects us from it all. For me this is just amazing, because I am struggling to get out of a very bad job and into a place where I can be less tempted into anger, fear and pride. Couple this verse with the great Tenth Avenue North songs that I have playing through my headphones right and its as if God is speaking through the words telling me to not despair; that though I am "pressed on every side by troubles" I am not "crushed". It's so easy to feel clostraphobic in this broken world, but God is there and He has saved us.
Tuesday, June 15
2 Corinthians 4:8 and 9 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
Today I posted "[I'm] in need of a little faith and hope" as my facebook status. What greater hope than what this verse screams out to us! We are actively pursued by the devil and life trying to break us down, but God like the supernatural superhero that He is protects us from it all. For me this is just amazing, because I am struggling to get out of a very bad job and into a place where I can be less tempted into anger, fear and pride. Couple this verse with the great Tenth Avenue North songs that I have playing through my headphones right and its as if God is speaking through the words telling me to not despair; that though I am "pressed on every side by troubles" I am not "crushed". It's so easy to feel clostraphobic in this broken world, but God is there and He has saved us.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Hebrews 11:1
Word on the Way is a passage sent out daily by Way.FM
Monday, June 14
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
It's hard to stand up against a world so bent against faith, at least faith in something unseen. We tend believe in ourselves, and the only unseen thing we believe in is what we hope to achieve. So, logically we tend to shift away from an unseen force that guides us; and if we do ascribe to an unseen force it is one that is random enough to manipulate. The hardest part about faith is the loss of control. If we believe enough in ourselves that we can overcome an opponent, we are hoping that our effort is greater than theirs, or we are luckier than they. Yet, true faith is more than that. Faith comes from a place when you know you are less than your opponent. Faith comes from a place of losing. Faith comes from a place when you realize what you bring to the table is not enough.
Here's the problem for us. When I say us, I mean modern Christianity in the first world. The problem is, we have the luxury of bringing a lot to the table. The truth is, we are like a well trained sports team who can't keep our heads in the game. We have the right equipment, and we may even know how to use it; but we need more than just drills and expensive stuff. We've lost the heart and soul of the game. We've become more bent on looking good and being seen as the best, that we've forgotten why we are playing. We've bet our assurance and confidence on our selves. We've decided that by what we do, say, have, etc. we can, by ourselves, triumph.
Jesus, during His time on earth, continually healed people because of their faith. Paul urges us to live by faith. Faith is the think that sets us apart. Despite how bad it looks to the world, we are going bet all our chips on God and not on ourselves or anything man can do.
Monday, June 14
Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
It's hard to stand up against a world so bent against faith, at least faith in something unseen. We tend believe in ourselves, and the only unseen thing we believe in is what we hope to achieve. So, logically we tend to shift away from an unseen force that guides us; and if we do ascribe to an unseen force it is one that is random enough to manipulate. The hardest part about faith is the loss of control. If we believe enough in ourselves that we can overcome an opponent, we are hoping that our effort is greater than theirs, or we are luckier than they. Yet, true faith is more than that. Faith comes from a place when you know you are less than your opponent. Faith comes from a place of losing. Faith comes from a place when you realize what you bring to the table is not enough.
Here's the problem for us. When I say us, I mean modern Christianity in the first world. The problem is, we have the luxury of bringing a lot to the table. The truth is, we are like a well trained sports team who can't keep our heads in the game. We have the right equipment, and we may even know how to use it; but we need more than just drills and expensive stuff. We've lost the heart and soul of the game. We've become more bent on looking good and being seen as the best, that we've forgotten why we are playing. We've bet our assurance and confidence on our selves. We've decided that by what we do, say, have, etc. we can, by ourselves, triumph.
Jesus, during His time on earth, continually healed people because of their faith. Paul urges us to live by faith. Faith is the think that sets us apart. Despite how bad it looks to the world, we are going bet all our chips on God and not on ourselves or anything man can do.
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